- I just injured myself listening to radio frequencies. It still hertz.
- I just saw some kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
- My horse is only coming out of his stable at night. He's really becoming a night mare.
- If you ever need to scream and let your feelings out, I recommend a cornfield. There's no judgment and it's all ears.
- My girls got creative and put together a PowerPoint about why we should go to the water park. It had several slides.
July 12, 2026
The Sparkler — It Still Hertz
June 13, 2026
The Sparkler — Clean Now
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
- Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
- Nostalgia. It just isn't what is used to be.
- How many sides does a circle have? Two: inside and outside.
- Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive right next door to you.
June 7, 2026
The Sparkler — Really Falafel About It
- If you ever need to scream and let all your feelings out, I highly recommend a cornfield. There's no judgment. They're all ears.
- I took my friend to an orchard for her birthday. We stood there for 10 mins, but it was not the apple watch she wanted.
- I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didn't have a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
- I got an email talking about how to read maps backwards. It was spam.
- I tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern food and failed miserably. I just really falafel about it.
- Have you heard the joke about yoga? Nevermind its a bit of a stretch.
- Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
- Entropy. It's not what it used to be.
May 30, 2026
The Sparkler — Knock Yourself Out
- Did you know it takes five sheep to make one sweater? I didn't even know they could knit.
- I got pulled over by the cops. When I rolled down the window officer asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Hold on a minute, I'm on the phone."
- Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet? It's pasteurized before you even see it.
- I asked my anesthesiologist if he'd let me administer my own anesthesia. He said, "Knock yourself out."
- My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 a.m. Luckily, I was still awake practicing my drums.
May 1, 2026
The Sparkler — Stable Wi-Fi
- The internet at the farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi.
- You think gas and electric bills are expensive, have you seen chimneys? They're through the roof.
- My friend and I were having an argument at Culvers when another friend overheard us, walked over, grabbed our fries, and left. We like the guy, but we just wish he'd stop taking sides.
- Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest? Authorities just found Himalayan there.
- I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
April 25, 2026
The Sparkler — No Point
- What do you call someone who really really likes ceilings? A ceiling fan.
- I think some bees might be allergic to pollen. You can tell if they develop hives.
- Do you remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, there's no point.
- Sundays can be a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
April 18, 2026
The Sparkler — They Don't Land Well
- I've been doing a lot of research on airplane jokes, but they don't land well.
- My doctor says I'm suffering from paranoia. He didn't actually say it, but I know he was thinking it.
- When I get to work, I immediately go and hide because they say good employees are hard to find.
- Do you want to hear a joke about procrastination? On second thought, I'll tell you later.
- How do you become a woodworker? Whittle by whittle.
April 11, 2026
The Sparkler — A Free Bee
- I recently took a poll and I found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry.
- Now that I've gotten older, everything is starting to click for me. My neck, my back, my knees.
- I have spent time, effort, and money childproofing my house. But somehow the kids keep getting in.
- I went to the doctor about a suspicious-looking mole, but he said they all looked that way, and I should have left it in the garden.
- I went to the beekeeper to buy 12 bees, and when I got home, I saw that he had given me 13, so I called to tell him. He said it wasn't a mistake, it was a free bee.
March 15, 2026
The Sparkler — You Have My Word
- I was detained when I was younger for stealing batteries. It turned out ok. I was never charged.
- To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
- My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.
- I received a letter trying to sell me a heavy duty metal vest. I ignored it. I hate chainmail.
- How do you console an English teacher? There, their, they're.
March 8, 2026
The Sparkler — Still Just One Slice
- What do you call fake potatoes? Imataters!
- My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.
- I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."
- I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
- Technically, if you don't cut a cake, it's still just one slice.
March 1, 2026
The Sparkler — It Dawned on Me
- When's the worst time to have a heart attack? Probably during a game of charades.
- I think it's shameful that some parents feed their kids frozen pizzas. They could at least put them in the oven.
- Did you know the first French Fries were not cooked in France. They were cooked in grease.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut. He just needed some space.
- I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.
- My son thought he was being clever when he asked me if he was adopted. I told him "not yet."
February 14, 2026
The Sparkler — Pie-rates of the Caribbean
- Canadian Word of the Day: Fascinate. If you have a shirt with nine buttons, sometime it's stylish to only fascinate.
- Pies in Jamacia sell for $6, while in the Virgin Islands they go for $5. In Cuba pies go for $3. Those are the Pie-rates of the Carribean.
- Our dog just ate an entire bag of scrabble tiles so we rushed him to the vet.... No word yet.
- With all the cold weather our flight got cancelled and our luggage got sad, so now we're dealing with emotional baggage.
- Scientists just tested the world's strongest suction cup. I don't know how they pulled it off.
January 26, 2026
The Sparkler — Two Unwritten Rules
- I have two unwritten rules: 1. 2.
- I always try to say "mucho" around my Spanish speaking friends. It means a lot to them.
- If vegetarians eat veggies, what do humanitarians eat?
- I think my email account was hacked. If you get any messages from me about canned meat don't open them. It's spam.
- My five-year-old daughter emerged from the bathroom and asked me "where does poo comes from?" I paused, then briefly told her about food, digestion, and waste. She listened carefully, nodded, and then asked: "so then where does Tigger come from?"
January 17, 2026
The Sparkler — The Spokes Person
- I'm one week into my new job at the bicycle factory, and they already made me the spokes person.
- Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? Yeah, he'll be mist.
- I had a great childhood. Dad used to roll me down hills in tires. Yep, those were the Goodyears.
- What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
- The adjective for metal is metallic... but not for iron... Which is ironic.
January 10, 2026
The Sparkler — A Door Jam
- I just stepped on a Cornflake. Great. Now I'm a serial killer.
- My friend Sarah left her bottle of Pepsi at a rest stop about 60 miles south of Tampa FL. That's where Sarah's soda is.
- I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height. They didn't like me critter sizing.
- My door was ajar, so I added Jelly. Now it's a door jam.
- I don't like it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
November 15, 2025
The Sparkler — Called It a Day
- Scientists get bored watching the Earth turn. So after 24 hours they called it a day.
- I woke up laughing this morning. I think I slept funny.
- A lot of people say they have trouble sleeping. Not me. I can do it with my eye's closed.
- What's the best gift to give someone? A broken drum set. You can't beat it.
- What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas? Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can hummus one.
November 9, 2025
The Sparkler — The Rest of Your Life
- I have several jokes I've been working on in sign language. I can guarantee you haven't heard them.
- Most people think that the T-Rex can't clap its hands because their arms are too short. But actually it's because they're dead.
- If you're skydiving and your parachute jams, do not panic. You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
- I thought the dryer was shrinking all of my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator.
- My doctor says that I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say it, but I know he was thinking it.
November 3, 2025
The Sparkler — Onion Rings
- My wife just confessed to me that she broke my favorite lamp. I don't think I'll ever be able to see her in the same light ever again.
- Just when you think food can't call you on the phone. Bam. Onion rings.
- A man was convicted of stealing a bag but was only sentenced to three minutes in jail. It was a brief case.
- I don't mean to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model. I'm going to be the before picture, but it still counts.
- I feel like now days people are so judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
October 26, 2025
The Sparkler — Aware Wolf
- If you teach a wolf to meditate, it becomes aware wolf.
- Do you know that garbage men don't get any training? They just gotta pick it up as they go along.
- I always try to have a good time at concerts. But I draw the line at crowd surfing. I don't wanna get carried away.
- I recently visited the world's tiniest wind turbine. Honestly, not a big fan.
- I've been bored recently so I decided to take up fencing. But, my neighbors asked me to put it back.
October 19, 2025
The Sparkler — Heads or Tales
- I just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith. When he came home he made a bolt for the door.
- Police have located a car containing a stolen bag of incomplete golf clubs. They're still looking for the driver.
- My sister can't decide if she wants to be a hairdresser or an author. I guess she'll have to flip a coin... heads or tales.
- The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
- I found this great place online to order sausage. I'll send you a link.
October 11, 2025
The Sparkler — Please Don't Buy It
- I saw a man pushing a wagon uphill that was filled with four leaf clovers, rabbits feet, and horseshoes. I thought to myself, he's really pushing his luck.
- Someone just called me and coughed and sneezed, and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
- If you date an FBI agent and then break up, are they your Fedex?
- I threw a boomerang a couple years ago and now I live in constant fear.
- I decided to write a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
October 4, 2025
The Sparkler — The D Koi
- Fun Fact: Koi fish always travel in schools of four. If they are attacked Koi fish A, B and C will scatter in different directions leaving the D Koi behind.
- A bouncer told me I was going to have to leave. I said why? He said, I don't know who you are but this is my trampoline.
- I was out walking today and got hit by a violin, French horn, and a clarinet. I think it was an orchestrated attack.
- My dad was making dinner and asked me to pick a single tomato from the garden. I went outside, but couldn't tell which ones were single and which ones were in a relationship.
- I'm sad so few things are built in the US these days. I bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna" and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure where that is?
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