- You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
- The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
- You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
- I like to keep to myself. I ordered a book on the internet, 'How to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
- A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
October 31, 2026
Sparklers - Oct 25, 2026
October 19, 2026
Sparklers - Oct 18, 2026
- To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet.... You can hide, but you can't run.
- I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama.
- My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.
- My girlfriend...It's difficult to say what she does...she sells seashells on the seashore.
- As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
October 4, 2026
Sparklers - Oct 4, 2026.
- Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign that read TREE FELLERS WANTED. "Oh, now, look at that," said Paddy. "What a pity there's only the two of us!"
- Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
- Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
- What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls? Rick O’Shea.
October 4, 2026
Sparklers - September 24, 2026.
- Venison's dear, isn't it?
- Stationary store moves.
- Whiteboards are remarkable.
- This vacuum sucks
- Fridges are cool
- Pretentious? Moi?
September 27, 2026
Sparklers - Sept 19, 2026
- Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it's there", I am going to eat this pizza "because it's here."
- Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
- This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
- Do you ever wish trips in the car had background music so you could figure out what the heck is going on?
- Maybe one day a long time ago a kid decided to play 'hide and seek' with his pet Bigfoot but didn't explain the game properly?
- "Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me."
- 'Sugar' is the only word in English that starts with 'su' and sounds like 'sh'. I'm sure of it.
September 20, 2026
Sparklers - Sept 20, 2026
- Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it's there", I am going to eat this pizza "because it's here."
- Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn't make the cut.
- This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
- Do you ever wish trips in the car had background music so you could figure out what the heck is going on?
- Maybe one day a long time ago a kid decided to play 'hide and seek' with his pet Bigfoot but didn't explain the game properly?
- "Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me."
- 'Sugar' is the only word in English that starts with 'su' and sounds like 'sh'. I'm sure of it.
September 11, 2026
Sparklers - Sept 11, 2026
- I just read that giraffes can grow up to 18 feet. The ones I've seen have only have 4?
- I am puzzled when people say age is just a number. How can that be when it's clearly a word?
- Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.
- Why is is dark spelled with a K and not a C. Because you can't C in the dark.
- My brother got mad at me last night because I over cooked the rib-eye. I told him we all make mis-steaks.
September 7, 2026
Sparkler - Sept 5, 2025
- I just got done watching a documentary about chickens. I can see why it was rated R. Way too much fowl language.
- The flu, a cold, and a sore throat walked into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of sick joke?"
- I finally came up with a good joke about clocks, and honestly, it's about time.
- Every morning I wake up and announce loudly that I'm going for a run and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- Investigators have declined to open an investigation at the fishing bait shop. They're worried it would open up a can of worms.
BugleJuly 12, 2026
The Sparkler — It Still Hertz
- I just injured myself listening to radio frequencies. It still hertz.
- I just saw some kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
- My horse is only coming out of his stable at night. He's really becoming a night mare.
- If you ever need to scream and let your feelings out, I recommend a cornfield. There's no judgment and it's all ears.
- My girls got creative and put together a PowerPoint about why we should go to the water park. It had several slides.
June 13, 2026
The Sparkler — Clean Now
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
- Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
- Nostalgia. It just isn't what is used to be.
- How many sides does a circle have? Two: inside and outside.
- Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive right next door to you.
June 7, 2026
The Sparkler — Really Falafel About It
- If you ever need to scream and let all your feelings out, I highly recommend a cornfield. There's no judgment. They're all ears.
- I took my friend to an orchard for her birthday. We stood there for 10 mins, but it was not the apple watch she wanted.
- I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didn't have a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
- I got an email talking about how to read maps backwards. It was spam.
- I tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern food and failed miserably. I just really falafel about it.
- Have you heard the joke about yoga? Nevermind its a bit of a stretch.
- Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
- Entropy. It's not what it used to be.
May 30, 2026
The Sparkler — Knock Yourself Out
- Did you know it takes five sheep to make one sweater? I didn't even know they could knit.
- I got pulled over by the cops. When I rolled down the window officer asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Hold on a minute, I'm on the phone."
- Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet? It's pasteurized before you even see it.
- I asked my anesthesiologist if he'd let me administer my own anesthesia. He said, "Knock yourself out."
- My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 a.m. Luckily, I was still awake practicing my drums.
May 1, 2026
The Sparkler — Stable Wi-Fi
- The internet at the farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi.
- You think gas and electric bills are expensive, have you seen chimneys? They're through the roof.
- My friend and I were having an argument at Culvers when another friend overheard us, walked over, grabbed our fries, and left. We like the guy, but we just wish he'd stop taking sides.
- Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest? Authorities just found Himalayan there.
- I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
April 25, 2026
The Sparkler — No Point
- What do you call someone who really really likes ceilings? A ceiling fan.
- I think some bees might be allergic to pollen. You can tell if they develop hives.
- Do you remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, there's no point.
- Sundays can be a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
April 18, 2026
The Sparkler — They Don't Land Well
- I've been doing a lot of research on airplane jokes, but they don't land well.
- My doctor says I'm suffering from paranoia. He didn't actually say it, but I know he was thinking it.
- When I get to work, I immediately go and hide because they say good employees are hard to find.
- Do you want to hear a joke about procrastination? On second thought, I'll tell you later.
- How do you become a woodworker? Whittle by whittle.
April 11, 2026
The Sparkler — A Free Bee
- I recently took a poll and I found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry.
- Now that I've gotten older, everything is starting to click for me. My neck, my back, my knees.
- I have spent time, effort, and money childproofing my house. But somehow the kids keep getting in.
- I went to the doctor about a suspicious-looking mole, but he said they all looked that way, and I should have left it in the garden.
- I went to the beekeeper to buy 12 bees, and when I got home, I saw that he had given me 13, so I called to tell him. He said it wasn't a mistake, it was a free bee.
March 15, 2026
The Sparkler — You Have My Word
- I was detained when I was younger for stealing batteries. It turned out ok. I was never charged.
- To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
- My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo. I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.
- I received a letter trying to sell me a heavy duty metal vest. I ignored it. I hate chainmail.
- How do you console an English teacher? There, their, they're.
March 8, 2026
The Sparkler — Still Just One Slice
- What do you call fake potatoes? Imataters!
- My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.
- I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."
- I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
- Technically, if you don't cut a cake, it's still just one slice.
March 1, 2026
The Sparkler — It Dawned on Me
- When's the worst time to have a heart attack? Probably during a game of charades.
- I think it's shameful that some parents feed their kids frozen pizzas. They could at least put them in the oven.
- Did you know the first French Fries were not cooked in France. They were cooked in grease.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut. He just needed some space.
- I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.
- My son thought he was being clever when he asked me if he was adopted. I told him "not yet."
February 14, 2026
The Sparkler — Pie-rates of the Caribbean
- Canadian Word of the Day: Fascinate. If you have a shirt with nine buttons, sometime it's stylish to only fascinate.
- Pies in Jamacia sell for $6, while in the Virgin Islands they go for $5. In Cuba pies go for $3. Those are the Pie-rates of the Carribean.
- Our dog just ate an entire bag of scrabble tiles so we rushed him to the vet.... No word yet.
- With all the cold weather our flight got cancelled and our luggage got sad, so now we're dealing with emotional baggage.
- Scientists just tested the world's strongest suction cup. I don't know how they pulled it off.
January 26, 2026
The Sparkler — Two Unwritten Rules
- I have two unwritten rules: 1. 2.
- I always try to say "mucho" around my Spanish speaking friends. It means a lot to them.
- If vegetarians eat veggies, what do humanitarians eat?
- I think my email account was hacked. If you get any messages from me about canned meat don't open them. It's spam.
- My five-year-old daughter emerged from the bathroom and asked me "where does poo comes from?" I paused, then briefly told her about food, digestion, and waste. She listened carefully, nodded, and then asked: "so then where does Tigger come from?"
January 17, 2026
The Sparkler — The Spokes Person
- I'm one week into my new job at the bicycle factory, and they already made me the spokes person.
- Did you hear about the guy that evaporated? Yeah, he'll be mist.
- I had a great childhood. Dad used to roll me down hills in tires. Yep, those were the Goodyears.
- What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
- The adjective for metal is metallic... but not for iron... Which is ironic.
January 10, 2026
The Sparkler — A Door Jam
- I just stepped on a Cornflake. Great. Now I'm a serial killer.
- My friend Sarah left her bottle of Pepsi at a rest stop about 60 miles south of Tampa FL. That's where Sarah's soda is.
- I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height. They didn't like me critter sizing.
- My door was ajar, so I added Jelly. Now it's a door jam.
- I don't like it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
November 15, 2025
The Sparkler — Called It a Day
- Scientists get bored watching the Earth turn. So after 24 hours they called it a day.
- I woke up laughing this morning. I think I slept funny.
- A lot of people say they have trouble sleeping. Not me. I can do it with my eye's closed.
- What's the best gift to give someone? A broken drum set. You can't beat it.
- What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas? Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can hummus one.
November 9, 2025
The Sparkler — The Rest of Your Life
- I have several jokes I've been working on in sign language. I can guarantee you haven't heard them.
- Most people think that the T-Rex can't clap its hands because their arms are too short. But actually it's because they're dead.
- If you're skydiving and your parachute jams, do not panic. You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
- I thought the dryer was shrinking all of my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator.
- My doctor says that I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say it, but I know he was thinking it.
November 3, 2025
The Sparkler — Onion Rings
- My wife just confessed to me that she broke my favorite lamp. I don't think I'll ever be able to see her in the same light ever again.
- Just when you think food can't call you on the phone. Bam. Onion rings.
- A man was convicted of stealing a bag but was only sentenced to three minutes in jail. It was a brief case.
- I don't mean to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model. I'm going to be the before picture, but it still counts.
- I feel like now days people are so judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
October 26, 2025
The Sparkler — Aware Wolf
- If you teach a wolf to meditate, it becomes aware wolf.
- Do you know that garbage men don't get any training? They just gotta pick it up as they go along.
- I always try to have a good time at concerts. But I draw the line at crowd surfing. I don't wanna get carried away.
- I recently visited the world's tiniest wind turbine. Honestly, not a big fan.
- I've been bored recently so I decided to take up fencing. But, my neighbors asked me to put it back.
October 19, 2025
The Sparkler — Heads or Tales
- I just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith. When he came home he made a bolt for the door.
- Police have located a car containing a stolen bag of incomplete golf clubs. They're still looking for the driver.
- My sister can't decide if she wants to be a hairdresser or an author. I guess she'll have to flip a coin... heads or tales.
- The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
- I found this great place online to order sausage. I'll send you a link.
October 11, 2025
The Sparkler — Please Don't Buy It
- I saw a man pushing a wagon uphill that was filled with four leaf clovers, rabbits feet, and horseshoes. I thought to myself, he's really pushing his luck.
- Someone just called me and coughed and sneezed, and then hung up. I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
- If you date an FBI agent and then break up, are they your Fedex?
- I threw a boomerang a couple years ago and now I live in constant fear.
- I decided to write a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
October 4, 2025
The Sparkler — The D Koi
- Fun Fact: Koi fish always travel in schools of four. If they are attacked Koi fish A, B and C will scatter in different directions leaving the D Koi behind.
- A bouncer told me I was going to have to leave. I said why? He said, I don't know who you are but this is my trampoline.
- I was out walking today and got hit by a violin, French horn, and a clarinet. I think it was an orchestrated attack.
- My dad was making dinner and asked me to pick a single tomato from the garden. I went outside, but couldn't tell which ones were single and which ones were in a relationship.
- I'm sad so few things are built in the US these days. I bought a TV and it said "Built in Antenna" and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure where that is?
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